Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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