hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
