so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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