Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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