why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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