I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Send help, water and tortillas.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
