Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
