im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
