I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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