Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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