They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
