its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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