Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
