It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Can Purell be used as lube?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
