Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
