He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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