I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
