Betty ford says i'm here all night
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
