I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
