I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
