Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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