so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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