I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
