Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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