I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Pants are for mortals
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
