Can i not drive my cunt home
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
