why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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