Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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