I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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