I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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