Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
