There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
