So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think I am morally bankrupt
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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