Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
third nipple confirmed
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
