8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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