I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
