never play flip cup with pint glasses
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
whose parrot is this?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Dear god my vagina.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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