theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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