Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
