I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
