"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I think I just sharted jello shots
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