if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
