Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
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