its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
