Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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