Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
