you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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