Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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