I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
