I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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