Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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