he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
